Saturday, September 24, 2011

灵气消失以后

这一天终于来了。餐厅、购物中心柜台、便利店的年轻服务员开口跟我说话时,再没唤我adik,我已是“akak”。

听到第一声“akak”时,还会怀疑是对方的错觉,直到后来“akak”的称呼法越来越普遍,我就知道自己已经告别了那个被称作“adik”的青春年代。

“你看起来还像大学生”、“你还很年轻”,当我还沉醉在朋友的赞美声中时,陌生年轻女孩男孩的那一声“akak”,有着当头棒喝的作用。

细纹横错的脸皮和向横发展的身材就像树木的年轮一样,承载了年龄的讯息,你再怎么以天真烂漫的笑容掩饰,都会露出破绽。有时你用宽松的衣服把肚腩藏好了,笑时的鱼尾纹顿然把你出卖;你用粉底把脸上的细纹抚平了,下垂的眼角还是会替你提醒周边的人“这人年纪不小了哦”。

没有人可能发现自己脸庞每一天的细微变化,直到偶尔翻旧照片时,方能好好地计算一下自己的得失,而这道微妙复杂的算术题,总是旁人比自己算得较准确。

比如说吧,朋友们去年到我家乡一游时,见到挂在客厅上的我的大学毕业照,惊呼我当年充满了灵气,我才发现自己在城市打拼九年之后,已经失去了一道灵气,换来的是一张紧张、烦恼、充满压迫感的脸孔。

天天跟时间追赶的新闻工作,已经在我的脸上留下了痕迹,这里头或许有热情燃烧的灰烬,或许有心酸的泪痕,或许有愤怒之后的坏死细胞,这些东西一点一点一天一天地积累,经时光加工打磨,成了现在的,我的脸。

最令人懊恼的是,这道数学题没有1+1那么简单,脸上消失了的,可能就永远消失了,哪怕你做了美容整形手术,都没法换回类似“灵气”这种抽象的神韵。

我已经认定,岁月留痕是没法抵挡的事,因此只选择在青春样貌失陷以前,以金钱换来的瓶瓶罐罐稍作抵御。

我告诉自己,灵气消失以后留下的空档,一定要以智慧来填补,而如何坦然面对自己年龄增长的事实,就是岁月留给我的第一个考验。

(2011.05.15 原刊于《姊妹》杂志)

37 comments:

sctan said...

不须妄自菲薄,灵气还在,而且还多了一种无以名状的气质。

Anonymous said...

akak is still better than aunty

j.g

meeteng said...

灵气还有啦,只是多了劳气、愤气、霸气、杀气、。。。还有勇气和才气啦。

当然最近更吸入了很多爱的空气 ;)


(呼,这里终于又恢复一点人气啦。)

Anonymous said...

南无阿弥陀佛。
南无观世音菩萨。
至心善慧菩萨。
实语法师。

Anonymous said...

不可乱传。只可传名字。

Anonymous said...

请删除4、5、6的留言。

4、5、6都是我留的。看了能够增加智慧就好,随缘。谢谢。

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等十幾歲的中學生叫你auntie的時再寫一篇。

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